3/18/2018
How to Give a Pill to a Dragon
by Kath the Scribe
I have an office full of dragons. They come in all kinds. Pushy, sweet, inquisitive, comic, fat, thin, cute, scary, musical, tune deaf, all kinds.
It’s winter and Chuck just coughed. Dragons are no fun when they get sick. I get fire extinguishers by the ten pack for winter time coughs. With more than fifty dragons in the office, the smallest cough can be a big big hot deal.
Chuck, a regal gold Chinese dragon, is not a good patient. He does not like pills. Which is why right now he’s staying in his crystal ball until the Dragon Veterinarian can see us.
If you are braver than I am and want to give a pill to your dragon yourself, I have adapted instructions I read on the internet on how to give pills to cats. I have used these once. Once was enough.
Please, if you are under one hundred years old, get your parents or an armored wizard to give the pills to your dragon. Just read off the directions and stay at least a room away.
In any case this is what almost worked for me, probably because my dragons are all the small office size. If yours is large, we’ll have to discuss adaptations with several wizards and a mother dragon.
Pick your dragon up in the crook of your left arm, like you are holding a baby. Gently put your right forefinger and thumb on either side of the dragon’s muzzle. At this point there will be a certain amount of squirming and a high pitched whine that precedes flame throwing. Ignore it and work faster.
Gently apply pressure to the dragon’s cheeks while still holding the pill tucked in your right palm. Hopefully the dragon will open his/her mouth. If you can make a sound like a candy, there is a better chance this will work. Good luck.
Hopefully the mouth opens. Pop the pill in the maw. Whip your fingers out of the way and allow the dragon to snap its jaws closed and swallow.
Watch when it burps up the pill which will fly through the air. Pick the pill up from under the desk. Retrieve the dragon from under the dog. Throw away the soggy pill.
Dig a new pill out of the foil packet, cradle the dragon in your left arm again, this time holding the back paws tightly. Force the jaws open, try to ignore the higher louder whine and the smell of burning forests. Stuff the pill down the gullet with that slightly burned forefinger.
Hold jaws shut for a count of ten. Let go and watch pill fly out of the dragon’s mouth. Retrieve pill from the gold fish bowl and the dragon from behind the TV. Call your sister in from playing outside.
Kneel on the floor with dragon wedged tightly between your knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore the ear-splitting whine and the heat. Get your sister to hold the dragon’s head firmly while forcing a metal ruler down the dragon’s throat. Drop the pill down the ruler and rub the dragon’s throat.
Duck and hide when the dragon spits the ruler and of course the pill at the TV. Retrieve dragon from top of kitchen shelves. Get another pill from the foil packet. Make a note to buy a new ruler and hand over your allowance for the next hundred years to cover a new TV. Sweep up the broken bits, and set aside. Maybe there’s enough instant glue to make a new TV?
Wrap dragon in big blanket and get your sister to lie on the dragon with the dragon’s head just visible. Put a pill in the end of a straw. Force dragon’s mouth open with steel chop sticks and blow down drinking straw.
Since so far this has not gone well, let’s guess you did not jump back in time. Try not to choke while you check the pill label to make sure the pills are not harmful to humans. Have your sister pat on your back until you spit the pill up. Tell your sister you promise to get her a really great haircut to cover up her burned bangs.
Retrieve dragon from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place dragon in kitchen cupboard closing the door on its neck so that its head sticks out. Force open mouth with serving spoon. Shoot pill down with elastic band.
Fetch fire extinguisher and put out cupboard fire. Put bag of frozen peas on your cheek and check your medical records to make sure your anti-dragonitis shots are up to date. Throw out burned clothes.
Phone the Fire Department to come get the dragon out of the neighbor’s tree. Apologize to neighbor who fell off his rider mower trying to avoid the flyiing dragon.
Take the last pill from the foil packet.
Tape the dragon’s front paws to its rear paws. Tie the dragon to the dump truck across the street. Get the heavy leather gloves from the garden shed. Push pill into dragon’s mouth followed by a bunch of bananas, a whole pineapple, and fourteen dates. Hold head with throat in a vertical line and pour down four bottles of water to wash down the pill.
Go home. The dragon will free itself all too soon. When it gets home have your wizard ready to put it in time out in a crystal ball.
Keep in mind this is for the smaller genus of dragon. For the larger ones, go straight to a wizard-veterinarian and wait as far as possible from the vet and her fifteen assistants.
Bonus:
If your cat needs a pill, toss it down its throat while it laughs at you trying to dose the dragon.
How to give the dog a pill: Wrap it in bacon.
